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Commodity and Futures - Physical commodity and financial futures markets.
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Posted by truth-b-told on September 4, 2006, 9:39 pm
Posted by johnny on 8:7 5/11/2005
how do you get to be a guru?
this may explain it;
----------------------------------
(Alternate title: How to make money when you have nothing but air to
sell.)
Step one: Learn a little about the markets you want to talk about.
You don't have to learn a lot, just enough so that when you talk to
someone who has never encountered these markets you sound like you
know what you're talking about.
Step two: Start talking about the markets in public places.
A lot.
Look for people who have experience and actually know what they're
talking about. Read every word they write so you can learn what words
are used. Other than that, avoid them like the plague. Never talk to
them. If one does question you on something you've written, either
evade the question, attack them to try to misdirect the conversation,
or act as if
you never heard the question.
Never ever admit that you were wrong or didn't know something. Always
talk as if you have all the knowledge in the world and that your
understanding of things approaches a mystical level. If you truly get
pinned down, disappear for a few days. This is the cyberworld after
all.
Step 3: Start to develop your imaginary trading system or work on
your guruship personality.
If you go the trading system route, you can either:
A.) Make it so simple that a six year old could follow it. You don't
even have to do your own work. You can take other people's work and
give it cute new names (wearing a cowboy hat will help you think up
these names) and imply that it's your own. Point out on cherry-picked
charts where the system would have made enormous profits. Primary
colors and big arrows are a nice touch here. Make sure you say this
is the easy way to the good life.
B.) Make it so impossibly complicated or so impossibly vague that the
system could have taken any trade at all, any time at all. This will
help when you want to play the `Amaze people with historical charts
game'. "See, look! My system would have taken this fantastically
profitable trade! Along with every other winning trade back to the
days of the cavemen!" "Of course, it would have avoided this losing
trade. You forgot to factor in the fleeglewort indicator." "Oh, you
don't know what that is? It's in the very next thing you have to buy
from me."
Or C.) Have several systems so that you can sell the one that's
currently looking good.
Guruship is another route. This can be much more personally
gratifying as if you can get enough people to believe you, it kind of
strokes your ego, and you might even start to believe yourself. When
this happens, you can quickly build yourself up in your head to be
some sort of super duper person.
To be a guru, you'll need to decide on a personality. It has to be
different from the other gurus, as copycat guru-ing is against the
rules and may even disqualify you from membership in the
International Guru Society. Think of this the way comic book
superheros would think about selecting their costumes. They certainly
don't fly down to the K-Mart
and look in the superhero costumes aisle. No, they have to acquire
their costume as a result of some life altering event that bestows
their powers on them at the same time.
As you can see, both routes take a little bit of thought. A case of
beer and two friends equally prone to absurd ideas can help with this
step.
Step 4: Talk often about your system or of your guruhood. At this
point it makes sense to learn a little about the internet because
you're going to have to develop some imaginary friends to sing your
praises. And it just won't do if you get caught having imaginary
friends just because
you don't understand how people can trace you on the internet.
Use your imaginary friends often. Talk to them as if they were real.
They should ask you many questions where you can not only answer
them, but use them to show the brilliance of your guruhood or how
your system would have turned this into a winning trade. If someone
should ask one of them a question, make sure they refer to you in the
answer and how
you're a brilliant trader, a nice and helpful guy, and that you're
seen in church every Sunday. Make up new ones regularly. If you use
the same ones over and over again people might catch on.
I cannot stress the importance of not being caught with imaginary
friends. People can suspect, but without hard proof they would look
like fools and be subject to derision if they voiced their suspicion
in public. There is one more technique which has tripped up many
almost rans, that is a key to avoiding being exposed, but I'm saving
that for
the next lesson. (A $2499 value, this week only $1999.)
Be as incomplete and vague about trades as possible. Refer often to
step two when speaking to people, remember that people who have
experience are poison and not your target audience. If asked to
explain something specific that you don't have a good answer to, say
that you don't have time, or that they couldn't possibly understand.
Don't fall into the trap of posting trade ideas ahead of time as this
can only lead to heartbreak and shame. This road could potentially
lead your target audience into realizing that the emperor has no
clothes.
When one of your vague ideas about a trade actually works, crow about
it as much as people will tolerate. Be sure to mention how much the
trade made and that you're going to buy a bottle of champagne to
split with your supermodel wife on your yacht to celebrate your
success. Don't forget to talk about how you are an enormous success
in other areas of
life so your followers will have other reasons than trading to admire
you. (Trust me, to keep them interested, you have to entertain them.)
Feel free to talk about results as long as the trades theoretically
could have been done and you have a disclaimer on your website that
talks about `hypothetical' results.
For now you'll need to stress longly and loudly that you're just
doing this for free out of the kindness of your heart. You just want
to help us mere mortals navigate the maze of the markets, and just by
chance you have the only compass that works. Don't worry about the no
money part because if you and your imaginary friends do your job
right you'll soon
find enough people who are inexperienced enough to believe you and be
willing to pay you.
Step Five: Step five involves highly personal decisions and only you
can decide how to go about it. This is the part where you get to
start taking peoples' money for your `fabulous' system or advice.
Only you can decide when you have enough followers to reach a
critical mass, how to get them to start paying you and how much to
soak them for. Collecting their money is best done gradually. Explain
how you have costs involved in providing this excellent service and
you need to defray a small percentage of them. If there ever was a
time, now is the
time to get out the big words to make the audience feel as if they're
inferior and they couldn't do without your leadership. Feel free to
borrow ideas from other gurus as to how to go about this step.
Remember that no matter how badly your system works, or how little
you know as their guru, there will be a certain percentage of people
following you
who will accidently make money. These people will be the ones that
will help you recruit new victims and the ones you can collect
testimonials from and point to as happy customers.
Good luck in your quest to get other people to give you money without
having actually done any real work of your own.
Oh, and don't worry about the morality thing. There's no such thing
as karma.
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